The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 12 Episode 7 Recap

This week on our favorite show, rich women doing things, rich women did absolutely nothing. They couldn’t on a boat. They couldn’t with a float. They couldn’t with a bish. They couldn’t with a jellyfish. They couldn’t on a plane. They couldn’t in the rain. They didn’t do anything, I’m Sam. They don’t like green eggs and ham.

If I were in the habit of giving one-word summaries, you would have clicked on this link and you would have encountered the word “No”, in 12 point font. However, that’s not what Mr. Moneybags Vulture III, the owner of this website, is paying me to make two bags of sea salt flavored Pop Corners. So we’ll give this episode our full attention even though it don’t even deserve it.

I say this because nothing happened for those 42 whole minutes without commercials. OK. One thing happened. Erika Jayne got really drunk. We’re talking about falling in the bushes in Mexico drunk. We talk “She starts”, drunk. We’re talking about falling out of a hot tub and breaking your leg drunk. This isn’t new to a Real Housewives franchise, so it shouldn’t be that unacceptable. But then again, it’s not RHONY, where women are usually as plastered as the walls of a classic six on the UES. Rich women like to get loose, but they don’t like to get dirty like some of the other shows in the Bravo Cinematic Universe.

And then you have Erika in a ponytail as thick as a boa constrictor and a multi-colored caftan smearing her body on a yacht couch while gossiping about how she had a yacht called “Illegal,” and it was pretty cool. It’s not for an audience, though. It’s just his rambling in the twilight of a nap, curled up with only Xanax for a duvet, speaking his thoughts in real time. It was very Sonja Tremont Morgan of the John John Gstaad Updo Morgans vibes.

After being passed out for most of the afternoon, Erika goes upstairs and offers to pee on Diana’s jellyfish sting (or did she just order Garcelle to do it?) , volunteers to have a threesome with Crystal and her husband (or did she just order Garcelle to do it?), and dances to her own hit song “XX*)%&Q%*” (or did she just order Garcelle to do it?). Kyle tells the team, “I love seeing Erika like this. She is having fun. Uh, no bitch. She is not. She passed out. She has breasts that droop from her exit after bottomless mimosas at the wasted Bagatelle brunch. It’s no fun for anyone. It’s like having a fever and trying to get out the other side.

Nobody wants to be that girl who’s so passed out that her friends throw chunks of bread at her while she lays the eagle next to the lunch buffet and she doesn’t even flinch. However, we have to give some crazy props to the editors who showed us Erika’s blinking eyes as she only catches snippets of the day: Crystal posing for a selfie, Kyle grabbing another drink, a dude lost in a passing party boat pulling out his dong. It ends with Sutton waking her up and it’s time to go. It’s the most relevant thing I’ve ever seen on reality TV. Expect. I take that back. The most relevant thing is actually that Dorit calls her husband PK, a “Be Kind, Rewind” sticker made out of boogers, just to make sure he hasn’t watched any of the shows they watch together. In my marriage, it’s a capital offense, besides not replacing the toilet paper after I finish it, unplugging my phone to charge yours, and ordering the same dish I just ordered at the restaurant. (We all love chicken parmesan, Christian! Try something else!)

That’s all that happened on this boat. There were some fun moments, of course. But did this last day of the trip justify an entire episode? Did Glenn Close deserve to win the Oscar every time she was nominated? Expect. Did I do well? What I mean is no. Other than Erika being really drunk, there’s not much to hang on to in this episode.

We hear Lisa Rinna say she reached out to Denise Richards, who she did really dirty two seasons ago. She says they texted and it was a nice exchange. We then see Garcelle in her confessional text Denise to see if Rinna texted her and Denise asks, “When?” Ooooooh. She’s going to be so angry. This episode continued to show Garcelle as the new chief executive producer. (Can you be both the executive and the chef? This episode makes me forget how even language works.) At the last dinner, we see her again talking about Diana’s book because she didn’t want that. she avoids talking about it. She tries to portray him as Diana being mean to Dorit by brushing off the questions, but Garcelle knew there was something dark under her comments and she was trying to touch him.

Speaking of Diana, the only storyline we’ve seen develop in this episode is her hatred of Sutton. It seems Diana doesn’t really like Sutton as she is a vegetarian and eats bacon. She brought it up in every episode. She is obsessed with it. If Sutton eating bacon was Bridget Fonda, then Diana is Jennifer Jason Leigh and she dresses like an Oscar Meyer Naturally Hardwood Smoked pound from the Stop and Shop butcher section. It’s crazy.

I get what Diana means, though. She thinks Sutton is contradicting himself, and she’s absolutely right. It never seems to me that Sutton acts as much on reason as on vibrations. She is like a mood ring in Dolce couture. She just changes colors, changes tactics, changes friends. The chaotic mess is great for television, but it must be nearly impossible for a sane woman like Diana to try to be friends with.

The smallest slight comes on the jet ride home when Diana says Sutton can’t sit with her and Fox Force Five. She tells him to take his “original seat”. It’s the kind of mean-spirited passive aggression that we’re not used to seeing on this show since the whole genre thrives on its opposite: active aggression. Here we are, focusing on this since Crystal banned the use of the word “dark” again.

Just as Diana and Sutton are falling apart, it seems like Erika and Sutton are building up, or at least tolerating each other. Here they are sitting next to each other at dinner, browsing the guys Sutton matches with on Tinder. Here they are on the boat bonding with being from the South. Oh, isn’t it nice? Isn’t it delicious? Or is it just Sutton’s revenge for Erika being nice to her last season on a trip and then saying she was only doing it to make the holidays go well? Who can really say?

The only truly illuminating moment comes when Sutton asks Erika if she “feels responsible” for Tom’s victims. “Does a doctor’s wife feel responsible for her patients? She answers. Sutton says that’s a fair point, and it is. Well done, Erika. However, I don’t think what people have been missing from him since the scandal broke is accountability. People want empathy. In Erika’s response to Sutton, she basically says she didn’t do anything wrong to those people, and she’s right. Tom did all the wrong deeds. But Erika took advantage of it, and I think the fans need to be recognized and she feels bad for the people who didn’t get their money.

Meanwhile, Garcelle is convinced that Erika is losing herself and acts like it’s over so she doesn’t have to talk about it. I don’t blame her! I would like to do the same. But she also accuses the other women of not talking about it either. (Garcelle talks about a big game in her confessionals, but she’s not afraid to talk about something else, why not talk about it?) I think the point is, there’s not much to report. There’s a ton of lawsuits, there’s a lot of stuff going on, but it’s going at a freezing pace because that’s how court cases go. It could be dragged on for a decade moving so gradually you can barely notice it. What is he talking about? What else is there to say but to rehash the arguments we have been making since last year. Eventually the story has to go on until there’s a development, but we’re going to have to do a lot better than a drunk lady on vacation.

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